Thursday, November 4, 2010

Boys . Pouring my heart out

I have spent many nights thinking about that one guy who'll "woo" me and be everything that a true love is supposed to be. Lord knows that I day dream way too much about my perfect love. I've even come up with our first real perfect date..

My last real relationship was with who I thought to be the love of my life. We were friends in high school, best friends Junior year, and dated at the end of Senior year. He moved out of state to college and after 2 years of not seeing him we got back in touch through facebook. He came to see me that Thanksgiving weekend and we just started where we left off. So i was now in a long distance relationship. The first 4 months were so sweet and intense. He said so many beautiful things to me, wrote me cards, and we wanted to spend as much time with each other as possible, which was so difficult since we were 4 hours away from each other.

He wanted to, "have me forever", and he had been in love with me throughout high school. He told me that no girl compared to me and that he wanted to spend his life with me. He was the first guy that I had ever considered being with for the rest of my life. I knew him, he knew me, we matched in a perfect kind of way, and I just thought that I was so lucky to have found my true love at the age of 20.

Then things started changing with one small fb message. He had told me that a good girl friend of his was in love with him and that she said she hated him for being with me and that they could no longer be friends. Afterwards, he told me that she tried kissing him a couple times and that when he told her no, she said, "You'll regret this." I was so angry, but so happy that he didn't do anything with her.

On our 6th month as a couple, he started to change. He stopped calling me as often, he stopped texting me as often, and sometimes I didn't even hear from him for 3 days.. I knew the end was coming and I would cry just awaiting that phone call.

Then it happened. One night he called me and started saying, "You know I love you Steph, but I want a normal relationship. I want to be able to see you whenever I want, and have you there all the time. This is just too hard. " Saying that I was devastated and crushed cannot even begin to explain how I felt. I felt like my whole life had come crashing down on me. I cried myself to sleep that night, and the nights of the months to come. I tried to put on a happy face and just pretend like it was alright in front of my family and friends. But i was dying inside and I felt kind of lost..

I know that some of you might think, "It was only 6 months. how in love can two people be?? This bitch is crazy!" But I had known him for so long, and everything that he was, the way he talked, the way he thought, the person he was, the way he even breathed was perfect to me, and matched me to the "t". The perfect way to explain it is through this quote from Wuthering Heights where Catherine talks about Heathcliff:

"...he is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same...”

If you have stuck with me still (lol) then let me tell you that the story isn't over, yet. About 2 months later, while I was eating and partying myself out of heartbreak, I was looking at his facebook page.. and I saw it. He was in a relationship with the one girl friend that he told me about who was in love with him. I think that is what really broke me.. and it still gets me so angry thinking about it today, but it also hurts still. I have told my girlfriends how much I hate him and what a scum bag I think he is and that I would never get back together with him , but a part of me still is just hurt by what he did to me and wants to know why. Why did he think she was better for him than I was.. bc she lived closer? Was she funnier? Sweeter? Prettier?

It's hard to go through something like that because you start questioning yourself as a woman and as a person. You start to think that something is wrong with you and that it's your fault that people break up with you or end up treating you horribly.

He is the reason why I am cautious with new men in my life. He's the reason why I put a wall up when it comes to meeting new guys, especially if they're nice guys. He's the reason why I think that men, although they may THINK they know what they want, they really don't .. .

No matter how many assholes I date or how many imperfect guys I meet, I don't believe that you get only one true love in a life time. There are just too many people in this world for that to even be possible. I am just waiting for that perfect person to come again, and this time it'll last :)

For all those girls waiting for their prince charming, he doesn't exist. Prince charming is a myth ! But there are guys out there who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, with love, respect, and admiration.

Don't be discouraged with bad dates or bad men in your life. A good guy worthy of your time and love will come to you, just be patient.


  1. this was the best blog post i have ever read...steph u are a beautiful person inside and out..never question urself..i had something like this happen to ex boyfriend didnt even tell me we were over...he just started dating another that lived in the same house as me...he broke my heart..but i know that i am beautiful and if he didnt think so then another man will..and low and behold..i have a great husband that gave me a beautiful son and loves my daughter as his own... ur right... that there is no such thing as a prince charming but i think i came pretty close...thank u for posting this...remember steph..ur beautiful and dont let anyone or anything make u feel different..

  2. omg i feel u gal. i just broke up with my now ex about 2 weeks ago and i still can't get over it until now. am trying very hard. i've known him for almost 2 years and been dating him for the past 7 months. i love every single things about him. for the past 2 weeks i've been crying and was so angry over him. he gave excuses almost similar to urs; long distance was hard :( but i wasn't giving up my hope just yet. we argued over it; small things became big and until that one fine day when i was on a vacation with my family he dropped that B word. i was devastated. my eyes were swollen all throughout the trip. it's really hard to keep all the heartbreak away from family and relatives. they've been wondering what had happened but when i finally had the courage to put my relationship status back to single on fb the night b4 my birthday i guess they knew what had happened then. i feel devastated. what hurts me the most is that he had the gut to end the relationship when it was nearing my birthday. and if we're still together, our anniversary should be coming up in the next couple of days after my birthday. ur post gives me hope steph. i'm also cautious when it comes to meeting new guys now. i know this is not right but i'm having a mind-set that all guys are jerks for the time being. nevertheless, i think i'm better off on my own for now. i'm just gonna focus on finishing my masters degree and maybe who knows after that the perfect guy will come knocking on my door and soften my heart to fell in love again. until then i'll just have to wait. coz i don't give up hope on finding the right person just yet. i believe that true love exists. i've seen it.

  3. ha been there done that suck ass and he did it because guys always think the grass is greener on the other side they always want what they should not have kanye says it best "i can have a good girl but still addicted to hood rats" at the end it hurst it suck and u feel like u are dieying but if some one doesnt fight for u and put work in and appreciate you then they arent worth you or your time love affection any way ...i know easier said than done i know but only time heals all :)

  4. Awww :(. I know the pain and heartbreaking hurts so bad. I never had an long term relationship because men just hurt me. I once like you questioned myself and for a while I thought it was me. I cried so many nights went to school with puffy eyes and its not even worth it. It not us! If men can't see what they have then it's not worth the tears and thinking about them. I have pushed myself away from the dating scene cause men just want to toot it and boot it. Its hard to trust men these days. I know the prince charming will come all we can do is wait and look cute :)<3

  5. I hope that you are still not doubting yourself. You are beautiful and have a wonderful personality=) I like your attitude though-- YOu're not discouraged.

    I dated a guy for six months that i had known for about a year- he was my first "boyfriend". I was wondering why the whole time he would be wonderful with me one day, and then push me away the next (it gave me whiplash, so to speak) It wasn't until later that I found out that, prior to me, he had been engaged with "the love of his life". I never knew about it.

    It was no wonder why I always felt that he was there, but not really there-- I was a poor man’s Sophia-- It was completely over when I found out that her stuff was still there in his room (the whole time we had been together), untouched from the day she had last been there. It hurt me to know that I would never be his the way she was, and that the whole time I was with him trying to prove myself to him, it had all been in vain. That was about a year ago, and every time I think about it, I always feel like I was never good enough, not like "her".

    Here's the sucky a "boyfriend" person- he sucks! As a person- he's amazing which is why we are still friends. I know that he should have told me the very beginning that he had never fallen out of love with her, but I still feel like I can't abandon him as a friend. I feel that it is because I feel bad for him because he truly can't get over the loss of her. It's like a part of him left with her. I ask myself if he will ever forget? We don't really talk about it anymore =(

    Thanks for sharing your story!

  6. I don't know what LOVE is, I've never been in love but I can understand how this can be painful :( but you're realy sweet and one day you'll certainly find your Prince ;)I'm pretty sure that everyone has a soulmate and we just have to be patient !

    For the story, last week, a guy left me in the middle of Paris near to the Opera Garnier and took the subway because I did not use enough seduction, that was just our second date ... Asshole ? Definitely yes.

    Since all this time I think my Prince Charming fell into the ravine ...

    I should write a book.


  7. .....this made me tear up. i felt everything in this, i love the quote u put. i think u might be my other half! lol!
    i swear i feel like a creep when im on here, like im stalking you, jk.

    guys r ridiculous and i gotta totally agree w u when u say, even if they know what they want, they dont. same stupid guy that ive talked to on and off for almost 3 years (and no one knows about either) is still on the same bullshit, he'll never grow up..same excuses all the time.
    itll come one day, but until then we have eachother sista!!!!
    love you!

  8. Ateph, I went through something exactly like this, except he was here in Brazil and I was in Paris (!). Then after 6 months it happened exactly what you said, facebook, other girl etc...
    After much time hurting and blaming him for the end, think why did he do this to me? and stuff I realized: maybe he just wasn't strong enough, he did not do that To me, he just couldn't go on on a relationship like that and I could, I was stronger as a person.
    I don't think love overcomes everything you know, you have to be a decided, concentrated, strong person in addition to loving the other person. I he loved me, but he was just weaker in that sense... more vulnerable..
    so you know, today I want more then love, I want determination and personality in a guy.
    I am sure you will find yours, you are amazing, love the blog and yt, keep it up!

  9. girl ull find your prince and his white horse some day it just takes time :D your an amazing girl with a sweet personality any guy would be lucky to have you. for now us Geminis will have to stick together. Im here for you girly! email me anytime if you need to @ or send me a PM on youtube. <3

  10. You are beautiful inside out and there's shouldn't be anyway to think that is she better because shes the one who try to seduce him in the first place. The guy u in love with he actually will regret why he let u go in the first place because if that girl can do that to him, she can also do it to another guy. So is not worth is cry for any guys. They never understand our feelings and they just do things to hurt us even they keep telling i didn't mean to hurt you..but girl i hope u feel better and Im sure that theres going to be a lot of perfect guys for you who would love you and appericate you just the way you deserve. take kare ;)

  11. Hey,
    Pick up your head and dream BIG! You are going to go far! Being single is not always such a bad thing. It can be a time where we can focus on other things that matter to aspirations, family, and friends.
    I have gone through many heartbreaks. My recommendation would be always to guard your heart and never give your heart away to a guy too soon.

  12. steph same ditto thing happened with me..our tories r toltally n my ex were in a 7 year long relationship..n he left me for d same reason..i was totally devastated...its been 3 months now..but still i miss him like helll...he did very bad...but i dont trust any guy now...all men r fake...plz if u hve any suggestion den tell me too...

  13. i just saw ur utube channel and was linked to ur blog.
    when i read this post, i could totally relate to ur story. I'm 20 and my last real relationship ended somewhat that way too. it was only a 5 month rship but took me 2+ yrs to get over the whole thing coz my family was involved too. heartbreak is the worst feeling,u need time to truly get past it. if a sorry girl like me can get past it, u surely can too. coz ur beautiful and the person who truly desrves u would never break ur heart like this. he does not deserve anything from u.
    Im a muslim and in my religion, we are taught that this world is only temporary and that our real destiny is only in the hereafter after we are judged by God.
    Hope all goes well dear.

  14. 100% agreed that men do not know what they want...

  15. I've personally never been in a relationship/breakup, but my sister has & I saw how hard it was for her. You are a sweet person w/a fun personality & this guy doesn't deserve you. Someday, you'll find someone that will! Sending hugs your way! - Gloria (DivaShop on YT)

  16. reading this brought me back to a time in my life when i felt the same way. it's been a year and i'm in a new relationship but part of me still questions why i wasn't good enough for him. then i think, nothing was wrong with me, he just couldn't appreciate the woman i am and he let a wonderful thing go. this helps me get by most days but i do know that my current relationship suffers because of it.

    i love your youtube videos and i think you're beautiful.

  17. I stumbled upon this after watching one of your youtube videos where you mention it. So sad :(. Something similar happened to me and now I'm back with the guy. We've been together for over a year but I still resent him and now I'm thinking that he is not so right for me after all. I can feel a breakup coming, but this time, I think it's going to be me that lets him go.

  18. This almost made me cry =/ In junior year, I went through something similar. My first ever boyfriend, was being so sweet but since I never kissed him or any guy because I was afraid, he broke up with me. I was upset but I realized he kept hinting at sex so he wasn't worth it. But I felt like I did something wrong as well. I'm glad I didn't give it to him!

    You're a beautiful, gorgeous girl with an amazing, funny personality! I'm in a new relationship now, almost 2 years, & I gave him a chance. I hope you don't give up on men because not all men are like that (we have fathers right?) It's good to put your guard up but get to know them, some are really nice guys. Love will find you (so corny).

  19. The first 4 months were so sweet and intense. He said so many beautiful things to me, wrote me cards, and we wanted to spend as much time with each other as possible, which was so difficult since we were 4 hours away from each other.

  20. The first 4 months were so sweet and intense. He said so many beautiful things to me, wrote me cards, and we wanted to spend as much time with each other as possible, which was so difficult since we were 4 hours away from each other.