Thursday, November 4, 2010
Boys . Pouring my heart out
I have spent many nights thinking about that one guy who'll "woo" me and be everything that a true love is supposed to be. Lord knows that I day dream way too much about my perfect love. I've even come up with our first real perfect date..
My last real relationship was with who I thought to be the love of my life. We were friends in high school, best friends Junior year, and dated at the end of Senior year. He moved out of state to college and after 2 years of not seeing him we got back in touch through facebook. He came to see me that Thanksgiving weekend and we just started where we left off. So i was now in a long distance relationship. The first 4 months were so sweet and intense. He said so many beautiful things to me, wrote me cards, and we wanted to spend as much time with each other as possible, which was so difficult since we were 4 hours away from each other.
He wanted to, "have me forever", and he had been in love with me throughout high school. He told me that no girl compared to me and that he wanted to spend his life with me. He was the first guy that I had ever considered being with for the rest of my life. I knew him, he knew me, we matched in a perfect kind of way, and I just thought that I was so lucky to have found my true love at the age of 20.
Then things started changing with one small fb message. He had told me that a good girl friend of his was in love with him and that she said she hated him for being with me and that they could no longer be friends. Afterwards, he told me that she tried kissing him a couple times and that when he told her no, she said, "You'll regret this." I was so angry, but so happy that he didn't do anything with her.
On our 6th month as a couple, he started to change. He stopped calling me as often, he stopped texting me as often, and sometimes I didn't even hear from him for 3 days.. I knew the end was coming and I would cry just awaiting that phone call.
Then it happened. One night he called me and started saying, "You know I love you Steph, but I want a normal relationship. I want to be able to see you whenever I want, and have you there all the time. This is just too hard. " Saying that I was devastated and crushed cannot even begin to explain how I felt. I felt like my whole life had come crashing down on me. I cried myself to sleep that night, and the nights of the months to come. I tried to put on a happy face and just pretend like it was alright in front of my family and friends. But i was dying inside and I felt kind of lost..
I know that some of you might think, "It was only 6 months. how in love can two people be?? This bitch is crazy!" But I had known him for so long, and everything that he was, the way he talked, the way he thought, the person he was, the way he even breathed was perfect to me, and matched me to the "t". The perfect way to explain it is through this quote from Wuthering Heights where Catherine talks about Heathcliff:
"...he is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same...”
If you have stuck with me still (lol) then let me tell you that the story isn't over, yet. About 2 months later, while I was eating and partying myself out of heartbreak, I was looking at his facebook page.. and I saw it. He was in a relationship with the one girl friend that he told me about who was in love with him. I think that is what really broke me.. and it still gets me so angry thinking about it today, but it also hurts still. I have told my girlfriends how much I hate him and what a scum bag I think he is and that I would never get back together with him , but a part of me still is just hurt by what he did to me and wants to know why. Why did he think she was better for him than I was.. bc she lived closer? Was she funnier? Sweeter? Prettier?
It's hard to go through something like that because you start questioning yourself as a woman and as a person. You start to think that something is wrong with you and that it's your fault that people break up with you or end up treating you horribly.
He is the reason why I am cautious with new men in my life. He's the reason why I put a wall up when it comes to meeting new guys, especially if they're nice guys. He's the reason why I think that men, although they may THINK they know what they want, they really don't .. .
No matter how many assholes I date or how many imperfect guys I meet, I don't believe that you get only one true love in a life time. There are just too many people in this world for that to even be possible. I am just waiting for that perfect person to come again, and this time it'll last :)
For all those girls waiting for their prince charming, he doesn't exist. Prince charming is a myth ! But there are guys out there who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, with love, respect, and admiration.
Don't be discouraged with bad dates or bad men in your life. A good guy worthy of your time and love will come to you, just be patient.